The Opposite of Fear
by AndItsOuttaHere
Summary: It's time for Winona to put on her big girl pants and deal with the facts.


She pulls the covers closer and watches him dress through half-lidded eyes. Pants, first, belt, then the shirt, buttoned carefully. He glances briefly in the mirror while tying his tie. For someone who bases so few of his judgments on appearances, Raylan takes care with his own, always has.

He runs a comb through his hair and shrugs on the worn jacket. She shuts her eyes tightly as he turns toward the bed, not wanting him to notice her watching him. She hears the scratch of the badge leaving the bedside table and pictures it in her mind as he slips it onto his belt.

The bed sinks with his weight and a warm hand brushes the hair from her face. She smiles.

"You're awake." His voice is a soft murmur.

"Um hmm."

He plants a kiss on her forehead and she snakes one arm out of the covers to pull him closer. He finds her lips this time and she smiles into the kiss.

"I love you."

He stares down at her, one eyebrow raised. "What's the occasion?"

"We don't say it enough."

"Okay…." He looks puzzled. "I love you, too."

Sighing, she pushes up on one elbow. Her free hand plucks at the Marshall's star. "We aren't going to Glenco." She meets his eyes, daring him to deny it.

"We aren't?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"You don't really want to go back to teaching other people to do what you do. It isn't who you are, Raylan."

"But I thought you wanted…"

"I want a lot of things. I want you safe. I want you to _want_ to be safe." She struggles to keep her voice low and soft, so he doesn't bolt, so that this doesn't end the way it always does. "But you don't want that. You don't need that. You never have. You aren't going to change." His eyes turn worried.

"It's okay." She says.

He's still worried, so she leans in and kisses him again. "We'll work it out."

"Where did this come from?"

She shrugs and dips her head, letting her hair hide her face from his gaze.

A finger tips her chin up. "Winona?"

"I'm tired of being afraid."

"I thought that's why we were going to Glenco; so you wouldn't have to be."

"I'd still be afraid."

"Afraid of what? A recruit with _really_ lousy aim?" He smiles at his lame joke.

"You wouldn't be happy; not really. And eventually, that would be my fault." She takes his hand, squeezes lightly. "You know I'm right."

He doesn't argue. "So…."

"So."

The question seems to stick in his throat. "Where does that leave us?"

"Right here." Pulling him down, she snuggles against him; her head on his shoulder. She breathes in the scent of him. "When I was a little girl, I was afraid of the dark."

"Aren't most kids?" His hand strokes her hair.

"Crazy afraid. I had to have the ceiling light on _all _night. My folks would try turning the light out after I went to sleep, but I would wake up and start screaming."

"And…"

"My daddy, well, after a week or so he got tired of it; and one night he came and got me out of bed and took me outside to the porch. It was dark as pitch and I was terrified but he sat me on his lap in the porch swing and held me."

Even without seeing his face she senses his confusion. Storytelling isn't at all what he's come to expect from her. They don't share their pasts. Things are going to change, Cowboy, she thinks to herself.

She goes on. "Eventually, my eyes got used to it and I could see. Daddy started pointing out familiar things; mama's garden, the doghouse, the gate in the fence…and the dark didn't seem so scary. We did it every night for a week, first outside and then in my bedroom. Pretty soon I spent a whole night without the light on. And the next morning he told me how proud he was of me for being brave and facing my fear."

She lifts her head and looks at him. "I want you to be proud of me. So I'm going to face this fear, too." She swallows the lump in her throat. The fear of losing him, of getting that phone call, is greater than any fear of the dark could be; but she knows it has to be faced. If she loves him, he needs her to love all of him.

"But I need one thing from you."

"What's that?"

This is hard. Just thinking about it brings tears she doesn't want him to see. She blinks them away and he gives her time as she searches for the words.

"I won't say 'be careful' because I know well enough that a LEO being careful can get himself killed. I just need you to want to come home to me more than you want to be a hero."

"I'm no hero."

"Raylan…"

"OK." He leans in and kisses her, a serious kiss this time, and her fingers play with the buttons on his shirt before he covers her hand with his own.

"Gotta go." he murmurs against her mouth.

She feels the familiar panic, the desire to grab onto him with both hands and never let go, but she breathes and forces it down. She kisses him one more time.

"Get out of here, then." She gives him a playful shove and he rises and picks up the Stetson from the dresser.

He turns as he reaches the door. "I'll see you later."

"I know." She smiles, and says a silent prayer that they're both right, as the door closes.


End file.
